These questions came from the university students I spoke to about Domestic Violence. Before I share the question of the day, I want you to know these are questions I've heard many times. We have answers to some questions and are still searching for answers to others.
Halie Erdman asked "What are the characteristics of an abuser that you can recognize before getting into the relationship?" Halie, this is a great question everyone needs to know the answer before they start dating. We all know how easy it is to get so caught up in a new relationship that the rest of the people in our life take a back seat. Here's a good place to look for subtle signs of power and control.
Picture this: you and your new boyfriend don't want to be apart, even for a minute. At least that's how it seems. He tells you he doesn't want you spending time with anyone else, even your girlfriends or your family. Red Flag!!
Being overly possessive or jealous to the point of wanting you to move in with him or he wants to move in with you before the relationship has time to develop is a good time to take a step back and look at what's going on. Watch out if he starts telling you he loves you before he knows you. Love takes time to develop. Abusers take hostages because they can only keep up the nice guy front for a short period of time.
Pushing for sexual activity before you are ready is another way the abuser takes control. You have a right to say no or not yet. If your date or new friend continues to push, you push him away and run the other way as fast as you can.
Does your date or new friend push you to drink or take drugs even when you say no? Do you feel pressured to drink or drug more than you want? These are huge red flags about power and control. Substance abuse and domestic violence are closely connected.
Here's one that caught me up short. I was dating a man who was very possessive. He didn't like my daughter around because it interfered with his time controlling me. He started telling me how to spend my money on activities for her so she would be out of the house.
First, he wanted to control my relationship with my daughter. Second, he wanted to control how I spent my income. I threw him out!!
Take a good look at the power and control wheel. Are any of those happening in your relationship? Here's an example Domestic Violence Power and Control Wheel. Stop the relationship before it goes any further. The sooner you get out, the better.
Here's the hook to keep you involved--you see his potential or what he can possibly be if he would just (blank). You fill in the blank. Remember, he will only change if he wants to. You have no control over him. Most abusers won't change until they are forced, usually by the courts, to look at their problems. Then, they have to want to change or they just do their time.
Watch for more questions and answers.
Your TJ Tip for today:
Make a list of "want to have" in a relationship.
Make another list of "won't have" in a relationship.
Ask yourself if you are in a relationship with someone who meets most of your requirements for "want to have" or "won't have". What choice do you want to make for a good relationship for you?
To your Transformed Soul and Re-Created Life.
Peace and joy,
Doc Deb
Author, Speaker, Transformational Emoti-trainer
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